I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize