I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
