Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
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