my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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