Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Houston, we have a blender
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Randomize
