Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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