let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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