hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Randomize
