apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
