I need help removing her.
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
