my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
