I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
