It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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