My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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