Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize