I accidentally had phone sex last night
It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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