wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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