My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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