Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
