cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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