You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
