It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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