I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Randomize
