Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Randomize