yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
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