It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I party with great urgency now.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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