Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
