woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize