Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
