Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
