just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
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