In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
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