I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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