I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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