Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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