someone owes me an orgasm
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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