the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
If I die, sorry about rent.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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