He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
this boner is exhausting
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
