What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
