I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
why is half of my head shaved?
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