The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Randomize
