he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
