did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
