Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
