I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Randomize
