i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
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