I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
