Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
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