I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
