kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
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