You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
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