dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Randomize
