dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
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