My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
