You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
