did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
