You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
there is puke in my bra ... again
Randomize
