Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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