So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
