You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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