i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
